My first 'bout' this season was a mixed scrimmage with two other local teams - Auburn vs. Alabama. Auburn lost, and I have to admit, I had my suspicions that we would, looking at the relative inexperience on our team. It was what it was, however, and the experience provided, if nothing else, gave me a few things to think on.
I know I could have improved my performance. I hit my own teammates harder than I hit people I don't know. That's always been the case; some derby girls say that it's much easier for them to hit people that they don't know, but the opposite has always been true for me.
Apparently, I'm too damn polite.
And, thinking it over, it doesn't make a lot of sense. I learned last season that I am extremely Momma Bear protective when it comes to my own teammates. If I feel like they're in danger, I get mad - not just mad, furious. Strangely enough, I guess my mind never made the connection between that and hitting the other team on the track. Instead of just getting pissed off when their jammer gets through, maybe I should focus a little more on making sure that they can't touch my own jammer. Or that when they do, they pay for it.
The scrimmage pointed out to me that I needed to refocus, to concentrate on some things that have been slipping through the cracks. That's just one of them - switching from mostly concentrating on defending against their jammer to concentrating on defending mine.
The issue with how hard I hit... I admit, I don't understand. At practice, I feel like I'm a lot more fearless, like I hit harder and with more accuracy. I don't always (or maybe ever) transfer that practice Helley to bouts. And I can't figure out what the issue is. Maybe it's nerves, derby stage fright, but if that's the case, I haven't yet figured out how to get rid of them. If I could take all that adrenaline and channel it for good, then it wouldn't be a problem. But the first time I took the line Sunday, my knees were practically chattering together, and I'm not sure that distracted nervous energy ever totally went away.
I played mostly pivot on Sunday, and that's a position that I'm pretty used to being in. When I played for Belles 'n' Bombshells, NOBODY wanted that position. People aren't fond of it at BCR. But I loved it. I love derby strategy. I obsess over learning the newest ones, and figuring out how to bend the rules to your advantage. The beauty of a well-played strategy is thrilling to me; I know I'm not the only person on my team who feels that way, but the newer players especially are still in that stage where strategy is a little too much. There is So. Much. Going. On. in a derby bout that it's hard to even think about strategy when you first start.
I really felt like I sucked at it Sunday. I used to love playing pivot, and it was one of the only positions I really wanted to play. That was at least partially because I was being told I wasn't really good at anything else. But Sunday, I found myself wishing I was in the back of the pack playing Power so that I could be the first line of defense, so that I could see everything.
Last season, I never thought I could be good as Power. Admittedly, that wasn't just my own perception, but it was also being fed to me through my training. This season, I feel like I'd rather be at Power than anywhere else.
I'm having to re-grow as a Pivot, and that is something that's a little... uncomfortable. I admit it. But I know that I was chosen to play as a Pivot for a reason, and I'm honored that my coaches felt like I could handle the position. This season, I'll be playing as the first and last line of defense for my teammates.
More than anything else, Sunday solidified that the old Helley, BnB Helley, is dead. Each off season offers an opportunity for a skater to become someone else, and that's just what I've done. Harder, better, faster, stronger, to borrow a line from one of my favorite songs.
Now that I think about it, my mentality feels suited to both Power and Pivot, it's just a matter of taking the power that I know I have. I can handle the roles, and plainly, my coaches believed that I could. Now it's just time to remind myself of that as bout season starts, as we gear up for our first bout on the 19th.
So, for whatever that scrimmage was, no matter how much certain aspects of it frustrated me, both on a large level and a personal level, it did teach me some new things. Some very useful new things.
