Mine, of course, are not content to be bout day jitters. They start early. It's more like bout week jitters. I was nervous already at practice on Wednesday, and I certainly, shall we say, did not have my head about me.
From there, I've descended into madness. Difficulty sleeping because my thoughts are racing. Today, I woke up with a stomach that was certainly not purring with contentment. It was twisting, turning, dancing like there was a midget inside banging on the front walls of my guts, begging to be let out. I know I need to be calm, but every time I think about tomorrow, my heart skips a beat and I feel a little bit like I'm gonna barf.
To some extent, that's all normal. Nothing that I haven't experienced before, and nothing that doesn't go away after, say, the first or second jam you play.
But I feel like I've always had trouble with making it go away. When I play in a game, I keep a running tally in my head of every mistake I make. The more I think about the stupid mistake I made in the last jam, the worst the next jam is. So on and so forth.
Cho mentioned something at practice not too long ago, something that the team's old coach Maria used to talk about. I remember hearing her say it, if not the exact words - every jam is its own jam. Every jam, you start out 0-0 against the other team. Every jam is a new opportunity for you to do your job.
I've had such trouble remembering that. When I don't remember it, I turn into a train wreck out there, visibly getting angry at myself when I don't see a jammer, swearing like a disgruntled hobo when I miss a block.
In the spirit of what my teammates have done (see recent posts by 9 Pound Hammer and Cho Cold), I am setting goals for tomorrow, my first bout with BCR.
Tomorrow, I, Mary Helley, commit to the following:
1. I will be aware of my mental state. I refuse to overanalyze everything I do on the track looking for a mistake. If I do something I know was wrong, I will correct it if I can. If I can't, I will put it out of my head until it's time to sit down and unpack what I learned over the weekend. If I find myself freaking out, I will force myself to take deep breaths. I will not allow anxiety to rule the day, because I am prepared for this.
2. I will not eat crap before the bout. One of my Derby Resolutions this year was to be more aware of what I was putting into my body because the quality of the fuel determines the quality of the performance. Sometimes, I have been damn near determined not to listen to that, but tomorrow is not a day to play fast and loose with dietary rules. I am NOT going to eat fast food before I skate. In fact, I'm starting off tonight by eating some carbs. Tomorrow, I'm not skipping breakfast, I'm packing a lunch to eat in the car, and I am going to make sure I have something to eat at halftime - a protein bar or a banana, whichever happens to be available.
3. I will not allow myself to get dehydrated. I'll admit it: I get really excited during a bout. Even when I'm sitting out a jam, I tend to be on the sidelines screaming at my teammates. I forget to drink. And at no less than two of the three bouts I played last year, I got ridiculously sick because I was dehydrated. After Panama City, I had a migraine the size of Florida and puked for a good hour and a half before I could hold down some ginger ale to settle my stomach and get to sleep. After playing Pearl River, I had another migraine that I couldn't get to go away no matter how much I tried - and I had to drive an hour home afterwards, half blind because of the splitting pain in my head. Not gonna happen tomorrow. I'm starting on the water now, and drinking nothing but for the weekend. Maybe overzealous, but it's the most horrible feeling in the world to be that dehydrated after a bout when you're already exhausted.
4. I will not allow myself to get crampy. Last year, I struggled and struggled with muscle cramps. I could never quite get to a point where I didn't start cramping at some point during a bout. Tomorrow, I'm going to make sure I get plenty of potassium to start (either from my potassium/calcium/zinc supplement, or from bananas). I'm going to make sure that I don't skimp on stretching because I'm nervous.
5. I will not allow my temper to take over. I know this kind of goes along with the first thing that I said, but it's important enough to me to separate them out. I get frustrated at bouts sometimes, especially at bouts that start getting aggressive. And then I get angry. And then I turn into Helley Red Haze who isn't paying attention to anything but how pissed off she is. Tomorrow, I'm going to remember something about that part of me: she's not productive. I can get mad later if I need to. I can vent on the way home if necessary. But for one hour and twenty minutes, I have to keep my head on straight.
Going into my second season of roller derby, I've never won a game. I've never even been on the winning side in a mixed scrimmage. And now I'm skating with a team that had a pretty damn good record last season.
If we lose tomorrow, I'm not going to be heartbroken, though I want to taste a win. The first one will inevitably be the sweetest. What I want more than anything, though, is to know that I overcame the neurotic over-analytical nerd in my head that wants to criticize every move mid-bout.
The only person who can prevent me from picking up that win is me. And after writing all this about my particular version of bout-day nerves, they all of a sudden don't seem so unconquerable.
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